Why won't we apologise?

On my recent study tour we visited a Baptist congregation in London with 32 different races/nationalities represented in one congregation. We learned a lot about the challenges such a situation poses but also about the joy and fulfillment it brings to worship together as one people of God. A Nigerian pastor from a nearby congregation also met as there. He pastored a mostly black congregation and told them that it is a theological no-no that a church should consist of people form only one race. He and his congregation actively planned how white people could be made to feel welcome and become members of a black church. He even wrote a book on the subject. I was inspired by his vision of racially integrated churches.

When we were about to leave this black pastor thanked us and then he did something quite remarkable. He, a black man, apologised for any thing black people in South Africa might have done to harm us during the transition form apartheid. To me it was logical that this should be responded by a heartfelt apology from our side. Most in our group were in their late forties and early fifties. This means that they have benefited from apartheid and will continue to do so for the rest of their lives. Many of them were members of the Broederbond and part of the synods that said apartheid is biblical. But instead of an apology only a dreadful silence followed. I who was 12 years old when apartheid ended, who attended a High School and University that was integrated, who will in future probably be worse of in terms of pension funds than my fellow tour members, I stood up and apologised from the bottom of my heart. I also benefited form apartheid in many ways in in some ways will continue to do so for many years to come. I also owed an apology.

The question that bugs me though, if I am willing to apologise why wouldn't my fathers generation, who have much more reason to apologise do so? Either they don't realise what apartheid did to people or they think they were justified in doing it to other people. The realisation of this makes me sick. One thing I know, I will apologise at every opportunity I get for as long as I live. I will also apologise for previous generations not apologizing when they could and should have done so.

How does one reconcile?

The world we life in could do with as much reconciliation as possible. There is no reconciliation however big or small that doesn't in some way make the world we live in a better place. It is important to realise that reconciliation is not a deed but a process. It is therefore something that hap pend over time. Time, though will never reconcile people. Time only heals if it is used wisely. I find Kraybill's description of the reconciliation process very helpful. Maybe you do to:

1. Relationship risk. The basis of any relationship is that people in a relationship take risks because they trust each other. The more trust, the greater the risks people are willing to take.
2. Injury. Because we are human beings, we make mistakes. At some point people fail to meet the expectation of those they are in a relationship with. When this happens risk is not rewarded which of course leads to injury and distrust.
3. Withdrawal. When injury occur people withdraw either physically, mentally or emotionally. This is a necessary and healthy response to injury. If people are given time to lick there wounds they will eventually start thinking about reconciliation.
4. Reclaiming identity. Through a process of self -awareness and self-affirmation people will recover form their injured self-esteem and self confidence. Without this happening the reconciliation process will not advance any further.
5. Internal commitment to reconciliation. We speak here of a conscious commitment to seek reconciliation, a willingness to take the risks involved in trying to reestablish the relationship.
6. Restoration of risk. Until there is restoration of risk there can be no restoration of trust.
7. Negotiation to meet present needs. There will probably new needs that arose form the past injuries for both parties and these need to be negotiated. This negotiation will free both parties to normalise the relationship if it is done thoroughly.

Easer said than done. Never the less helpfull!